Week Seventeen: College Field Day

Come on, Fatty, We Don't Bite

Ah, to revisit the days of youre when every Man's Man and even some of the women participated in sports, wining the hearts of the community, making hell for the dorks and fat kids, assuming they were kings (and queens) of the world . . .

I'm sorry if I sound bitter. My most vivid memory of participating in a Field Day, college or otherwise, was being pulled gently away from the bleachers by a kid in my class because those on the bleachers were trying to spit on the "fat kid" below them.

So, field day. Thankfully, Cokesbury makes a hollow mockery of it all.

Let's start with the invitation:

Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah,
Fifteen rahs for college,
Fifteen rahs for fun and sport,
and forget about the knowledge.
Well, on next Friday evening, let me say,
We're having a regualr College Field Day,
and I also want to think to remark
It's going to be a sure-enough lark.

Now that the mood is set with really bad poetry and memories of fatty persecution, let's move on to the events of the day, by way of instruction:

While the contests area in progress, the other members . . . should cheer their contestants and root for them. This is an important part of the fun and should not be neglected.

Without such instruction, it's easy to imagine the rest of the group watching in stony silence as their compatriots trade blood and sweat for victory. You might want to bring cue cards.

So, here's the first event, which sets the tone for the rest of the evening:

Cross Country Run. Groups line up in paralel lines facig the leader. The leader tells them that this is the cross country run and that each one must race to a goal, about twenty-five feet in front of each line, with the legs crossed. When the first one returns, he touches off the second and takes his place at the rear of the line. The object is to see which group can finish first. Fifty points.

Cokesbury's antecedents, unclear as always, leave one to wonder: Are the goal's legs crossed, or the contestants? Just present this game as-is and cross the legs of the goal and make your guests wonder.

And pay attention to the points. They'll be critical later. Be sure to write them down.

Here's another event:

Standing Broad Grin. One is selected from each group, either man or woman. It should be announced in advance that this is the Standing Broad Grin, so that one with a large mouth will be selected. If desired, have the men contest and then the women. After they have grinned as broadly as possible the leader, using a tape measure, measures the width of the grin. The one who grins broadest winds. Give 10 points for this.

For some reason, this little girl came to mind when I read the description for this game:

If your guests area of a more timid and emotionally fragile constitution, it might be wise to begin your search for contestants by offering another descriptive phrase than "the ones with the biggest mouths." Some might take offense. Also, the germophobes in the group are going to go absolutely ape over the tape measuring part. Be sure to have lots of wipes on hand.

Here's another game, also sure to offend. Or confuse. Or cause uncomfortable out-of-closet moments.

Boxing Match. The groups line up facing the leader for instruction. The first person in the line is given a penny match box. It is better to use a wooden safety match box for this. They are told that the box must be passed down the line and back by transferring it from nose to nose without the use of the hands. Of course, if the box is dropped, it may be picked up with the hand and replaced on the nose. Use only the outer case of the box. Give 50 points to the group that finishes first.

This game presents the host a bevy of logistical challenges, only beginning with making sure that only those who wish to be outed at the party be paired together. Yes, foolish you, there are such things as penny match boxes:

They can indeed be purchased and in bulk to this day. But just how in the name of all that is holy should your guests approach transferring such a box from nose to nose? Should you select a partner with a greasier skin complexion? If you get this figured out, let me know.

Maybe it's best if we move on to another game, this one involving your favorite Cokesbury party prop: a whistle.

Relay Race: Umbrella and Bucket. Select four from each group. The first one in each group is given a folding chair, an umbrella, and a covered bucket with a whistle in it. At the sound of the whistle the contestants are to race, one at a time, to goals drawn on the floor about twenty-five feel in front of each group. They are to unfold the chair and sit in it, raise the umbrella, open the bucket and take out the whistle and blow it, put the whistle back in the bucket and close it, shut up the umbrella, fold the chair and race back and touch off the next one. The group finishing first wins 20 points.

Of all the games I've encountered in Cokesbury this year, this one actually sounds to be the most entertaining. I might even do it at a party with my friends. If I ever threw any parties. And if I had any friends.

Now, this:

High Jump. Select a lady from each group, preferably one who can sing. The one who can sing the chorus of "Old Black Joe" the highest wins 10 points for her group.

Old Black Joe. That just doesn't sound good. According to commenters on YouTube (where reason reigns supreme over raw unadulaterated emotion accented with spittle) the song is either a Stephen Fosteresque longing for good old times when one was surrounded by his or her friends of youth, or an ugly smear harking back to the good ol' days when slavery was the norm. I just know it's really trippy to hear the Von Trapp Family Singers belting it out:



Let's have another game. And as a bonus, it also involves your whistle:

Whistle. One is selected from each group, Each is given a cracker. He is told that he must eat the cracker and whistle "Yankee Doodle" or "Dixie." The one who first successfully whistles the tune wins. Give 10 points for this.

Yeah, a game that involves crackers and the tune "Dixie" will certainly take the curse off that last game. Better move on quickly before the liberals descend en masse and surround Cokesbury Party Blog International Headquarters with a seething angry mob.

It's awards time, thankfully. Tote up the number of points, subtract a few from the group that seemed to enjoy "Old Black Joe" or "Dixie" too much, then award the winningest team a "loving cup" made of two tin funnels, spouts joined, together. "Have other equally foolish and inexpensive prizes for the events," Cokesbury says. I'd not suggest anything made of cotton.

Now it's time for refreshments: popcorn balls, Cracker Jacks, soda pop, and hot dogs. There's that "cracker" word again. I'm leaving now.

But only until next week when we get, thrill of thrills *blogger turns the page in the Cokesbury Party Book* an Aircraft Party. That sounds to be racially and politically correct. Aviators and aviatrixes, tune in next week.