Week Twenty-Four: Aquatic Party

1930s Swimwear: Men Show More Leg

Folks, first of all, you have to remember that in 1932, the Depression is going full bore. It was quite common back then for any kind of ordinary daily outing to be suddenly destroyed by a dust storm, a slab of poorly-maintained beef, or an early John Ford movie. So it's with that kind of spirit in mind that Cokesbury introduces its Aquatic Party with the following statement:

Conditions under which this party is held may make impossible the using of all the things suggested.

So try to keep a stiff upper lip as the party opens, certainly with an invitation:

In the good old summer time
It's just the season prime
To get into the water cool
With your friends and mine.
So bring your suit and water wings,
For the water will be fine,

And we'll sizzle good old hot dogs

By the silvery moonshine.

Ogden Nash certainly could have helped these folks out with their poetry. But this is a conservative party, mind you; it's much more important to know that the water will be fine and there will be hot dogs present, rather than worrying about the liberality of having the iambic pentameter be strictly correct.

And, yes, those are swimsuits they're wearing in that first picture. Here's a trick of evolution: Frankly, men's suits (with the exception of that abomination Borat wore, have not evolved much, at least for common society. Sure, they get their little speedos and thongs, but they're the exception, not the rule, at least where I live. We live, to paraphrase Victor Borge, in a cold country, so we don't wear any kind of suit that might make getting what sticks out back in again difficult.

But the ladies' suits. They've evolved quite a bit. Even the modest suits of today reveal more than these. And these. And by the way, lady, second from the right in the black-and-white with the diamonds, I LOVE your hat.

The Hat Also Doubles as A Radar Reflector

But I digress. On to the party. Since this is your party, it's only kosher to ask your guests to bring everything you need:

Each person should be asked to bring something. A committee should designate someone to bring five pounds of wieners, or perhaps several will have to bring wieners if the group is large. Someone else will be asked to bring buns or rolls. Someone will be asked to bring some wood if it is not to be found where the party is held. Old wire coat hangers straightened out make good roasters for wieners. Cabbage slaw goes well with wieners.

I think they're fretting too much about the wieners, personally. Try to keep a straight face when you ask the designated guest for five pounds of wieners. They're just not sold that way today. They'll ask "How many packages is that," then wander to the store, confused, and likely not come to the party at all because commerce has changed to the point a man can't walk into a store and ask for five pounds of wieners without getting really weird looks from the butcher -- who isn't a butcher, but some idiot in a hair net or paper hat who occasionally runs the meat slicer and has to re-stock the packages of pre-fab hamburger.

Now since this is an aquatic party, it's a sure bet someone is going to have to get wet before the party is over. Cokesbury thoughtfully divides the games up into four categories, with which you may entertain your guests and subtle sort them out into three classes: Annoying Jocks, Annoying Competitive Fools, Annoying Torturers of Small Animals, and Shore Wimps, viz:

Aquatic Events:

• Have a dash the length of the pool. Contestants may use any desired stroke. Give a prize to the winner.
• The Plunge. Contestants plunge off the edge of the pool and the object is to see how far they can go without moving the body. Contestants try this one at a time and the distances are recorded.; The one who plunges the farthest wins. Judges should see that after the plunge there is no body movement.
• Fancy Stroke. Have a race in which the contestants use the different fancy strokes, as the back stroke, the breast stroke, the crawl, etc.
• Turtle Race. All contestants are placed on one side of the pool. The swim is to be the short way of the pool This is a strenuous game, and the girls should not compete against the boys, but should have a separate contest. At a signal from the leader all plunge in and swim to the other side of the pool. The five to reach there last are eliminated. If the number is large, it is better to eliminate a larger number. Then the leader's whistle is blown again and they swim back. Five more are eliminated. So they swim back and forth until there are only two left. It is a good idea to let contestants rest a minute between each try. When the boys have tried this, the girls have a try. It is better with the girls to eliminate a larger number so that no girl will have to swim the width of the pool more than four times.

Now, obviously, that last game is going to make the Annoying Female Jocks and feminists in general go absolutely ape. Be sure to be wearing your own swim trunks as you announce the rules, because it's likely you're going to be tossed into the pool by a bevy of broads convinced they can kick your sorry little rear, and with cause, because they can.

And can anyone fathom why the last event is called a Turtle Race? Because Cokesbury does not explain it at all.

Now on to the Aquatic Games:

• Water Basket Ball. Rig up some goals about four feet above the water. Barrels or large garbage cans or washing tubs would make good goals. These could be set on each end of the pool. The game is played just like regular basket ball and the points scored in the same way.
• Water baseball. lay something as a marker for the home plate, first, second, and third bases on the edge of the pool. Choose nine players on a side. The game is played in the same manner as baseball, using a large paddle for a bat and a rubber ball about the size of an indoor baseball. The is game may be played on the beach or in the surf if the water is not too deep and the sand is smooth.

I'm not exactly sure when the basket met the ball in basektball, but it obviously was not before 1932. And I think it's a pity that the American drive for innovation has led to standard basketball hoops, complete with backboard and net, custom-built for pool activity, have replaced the ingenuity of wash tubs, barrels, and other anachronisms. I sure hoped they played their "basket ball" with onions tied to their belts.

No matter. Move on to the Stunts:

• Terrapin Race. Have some of the boys look up two or more terrapins and keep them until the time of the partyl. Mark off a starting place and a finish line. Put them on the starting line and number them with chalk and see what happens. This is very funny.
• Duck Race. Get a duck, cut off the feathers on its wings so it cannot fly, and put it in the water. Give a prize to the boy who can bring the duck to the shore. Many times by the flapping of his wings the duck will force the swimmer to release him when he is almost to the shore.
• Three-Legged Swimming Race. Take four, six or eight boys and tie two of their legs together for this race.

Preferably, the boys tied together should be the one who really, really enjoyed cutting the poor ducks' flight feathers off. (I do not, obviously, recommend any of these games. I've seen a goose literally scare the shoes off a person who approached it, and that goose had all of its feathers. Ducks are no more gentle when cornered.)

It's time for refreshments now, thankfully. The jocks are still primping on the beach. The feminists are still trying to find and drown the idiot who suggested they not compete with "the boys." And that damn duck is seeking revenge on the morons who plucked its feathers. It must be time for refreshments. Get your wieners out.

As soon as the dark comes, move form the pool to the beach and make a fire. Roast wieners by the fire and serve with cabbage slaw and mustard on buns. It would be will also to have some marshmallows to toast. It is well to ahve sandwiches also and watermelon for dessert. Cold bottled drinks can be easily served. After the meal is over, play games by the firelight or the moonlight.

It would be well if Cokesbury had suggested guests bring marshmallows, sandwiches or watermelon, but no matter because it would be even more well if the free-loading party throwers brought their own damn refreshments rather than sponging off their guests.

If none of your guests have drowned, get them ready for a real whizz-banger of a party next week: Fourth of July Party!