Week Six: Famous Lovers Party

First of all, folks, be glad this isn't a costume party, or you'd be asking friends of yours to come dressed as nattily as this pair. Punch and Judy. Famed worldwide for beating each other with sticks. Did you know they are famous lovers? And that Jack and Jill, of fetch-a-pail-of-water fame, are also famous lovers? I didn't either. But according to Cokesbury, they are, as they're included on the list of famous lovers included with this party. Welcome to the Famous Lovers Party.

On with the invitation, for which you'd better hope you have a monosyllabic last name or else you'll absolutely ruin the cadence:

Have you ever met Miss Juliet,

or the charming Romeo?

Do you know Rowena,

or the brave knight Ivanhoe?

Then come to Smith's on Friday night

to our Famous Lovers Party;

You'll meet them every one all right,

and receive a welcome hearty.

When I started this blog, I started it on the assertion that my wife and I are not the best host and hostess in the world. We give extremely boring parties, the kinds of parties people are anxious to leave only 45 minutes after they've arrived. My tank of small talk is miniscule. We're both slightly agoraphobic. Our idea of an exciting time is having the kids to be at time at 9 pm so she can scrapbook and I can read, most of the time in seperate rooms. But after reading the text for the Famous Lovers Party, I feel that our parties, in comparison, are real humdingers. Observe:

Opening Mixer: Color Eyes and Hair. Give each quest a piece of paper and pencil. They are, at a signal from the leader, to go to every other guest and write each name, the color of the hair, and the color of the eyes. When this game has been in progress long enough for the fastest ones to be through, the leader should blow the whistle and give a prize to the one having the longest list. One or two of these lists may be read, and it will probably be found to have some mistakes on it.

Wow! Doesn't that sound exciting! Maybe the next game could be writing down the color of each others' socks and shoes! For added complexity, reward prizes to those who can collect the most sock swatches. And folks, the games only get better here on out.

Progressive Proposals. Give each boy a number of paper hands and a number of paper mittens. There should be as many or more of these given to each boy as there are girls in the party. Give the boy also a fan behind which to hide when he blushes. The girls go around the circle, kneeling before each boy and pleading their cause. When this is completed, they are given either a hand which means acceptance, or a mitten which means refusal. The girl who has the largest number of hands receives a prize and is crowned the most popular girl at the party.

For extra fun, make sure there are at least three or four feminists on hand for this game. If you're short on leftover refreshments from your Valentines Party, this is a good way to weed out those less committed to your style of mirth and hilarity before the feed arrives. For extra, extra fun, invite a few people who are jilted lovers of others in the room, and award an extra prize to the suitor who can make the suitee not only blush behind his fan, but openly cry in pain.

Lest the boys feel left out of the general air of hilarity, this enxt relay more than makes up for it. Or something.

Needle and Thread Relay. The leader should explain that every man who will make a good husband should be able to sew. The boys line up in groups of equal number as for a relay race, the groups facing two talbes on which have been placed needles and thread. Each boy must run to the table, pick up a needle, break off a thread, thread the needle and lay it back on the table. He then runs back and touches off the next one in front and takes his place at the back of the line. The group that finishes first wins. Let them give a yell.

Personally, I should have followed this advice, because on my wedding day one of my top concerns was a pair of tuxedo trousers -- beltless -- that were a bit loose. What many in the audience took for nervous twitching on my part was in actuality a ferverous effort to keep my pants from going south. I have since learned that knowing how to sew is fraught with risk. First, the ability to successfully thread a needle does not imbue the threader with the innate ability to sew. I have been caught, for example, darning socks, only to be told that if the socks have more than fifteen holes each, they're not worth the darning. Additionally, I've also been advised that while it was kind of me to sew curtains for the study, sewing two black garbage bags together was not at all appropriate. I think, then, that the most effective yell the young men could give at the successful conclusion of this relay would be "I've got your needle threaded for you, dear." (And, as you've got feminists at the party, such a yell will keep their synapses exploding at full force, adding to the overall genial ambiance of the evening.)

Now for an activity that will completely short-circuit any feminists remaining:

Impromptu Wedding. Write on slips of paper the names of the principals of a wedding party. Give out to some of the male guests the male parts, as, preacher, groom, best man, bride's father, rejected suitor, and ring bearer. Give to some of the ladies the names of the feminine participants, as, bride, maid of honor, two flower girls, bridesmaid, bride's mother.Let the wedding party retire and arrange for the ceremony. There should be a processional, as follows: The preacher, bridesmaid, maid of honor, ring bearer (holds large ring or bracelet on large pillow), flower girls
(Scatter some kind of leaves or torn-up paper). Bride and father enter at the same time as groom and best man, the groom meeting the bride at the improvised altar. The rejected suitor and the bride's mother follow the bride. (Both should be weeping.) The bride's father stands between the bride and groom until the bride is given away.As the procession enters the wedding march may be played, or some song such as "The Fight Is On" may be sung.The preacher may use the alphabet as a ceremony, merely repeating the letter of the alphabet in an oratorical manner. First the preacher should address the audience and repeat the letter of the alphabet. He should next address the bride and groom, repeating some of the letter of the alphabet. Next the bride's father should be addressed and should give away the bride, and in doing so should himself repeat some of the letter of the alphabet. Next should come the ring ceremony, in which the preacher addresses the groom and requires him to repeat soe of the letters of the alphabet after him. Next they join right hands, and the preacher addresses first the groom and then the bride, and they respond by repeating some of the letter of the alphabet when he has finished with each of them. The preacher should again address the audience, repeating in an impressive manner some of the letter of the alphabet. His conclusion should be: W, X, Y, Z, &, $3.95.The rejected suitor and the bride's mother should then weep, and the preacher should kiss the groom, and any other exaggerated actions that may be thought of may be introduced.

Wasn't that fun? From the homoerotic preacher to the endless repeating of random letters of the alphabet! This will have your guests screaming for more. Or likely scratching at the doors and windows, which you thoughtfully nailed shut prior to beginning this ritual. For added entertainment, it might be wise to have among your attendees a real preacher who could secretly marry a random couple in attendance that night, using latin rather than words from the alphabet. Imagine the joy of the "bride" and "groom" once they realize they've really been married (try to use feminists or jilted lovers for this for added hilarity). Or find someone to imitate the Very Impressive Clergyman from The Princess Bride, in performing a real ceremony, just to throw off any suspicions.

I don't know about you, but I've had enough of lovers and loving. It's time to move on to a party that really rocks . . . like Washington's Birthday Party, in which you get to revisit the five-and-ten cent store, encourage your friends to arrive in powdered wigs and answer that question of the ages: In how many ways can we have fun with hatchets at a party?